Just when Saints fans thought their biggest off-season headache would be finding a head coach who can string together more wins than excuses, leaked emails revealed that team executives were playing defense… for the Catholic Church. Yes, the same team that hasn’t managed to get out of its own way for the past few seasons somehow found time to offer public relations advice to the Archdiocese of New Orleans on handling a clergy abuse scandal.
“We were just trying to promote transparency,” explained Saints spokesman Phil Lipa, apparently unaware that giving PR tips on managing a scandal might be the exact opposite of that. “Look, it’s all part of our commitment to the community,” he added, nervously wiping sweat from his brow.
Reports confirmed that Saints executives allegedly provided “PR guidance” to help shield the church from fallout over the abuse crisis. Critics were quick to call it the team’s biggest fumble since sticking with coach Dennis Allen while waving off Sean Payton’s possible return. “If Payton had been in charge, at least we might’ve coordinated the PR better,” one fan quipped on social media.
Fans at local watering holes weren’t amused. “We were hoping for a miracle on the field, not a PR disaster off it,” grumbled Raymond Boudreaux, a longtime supporter, as he sipped his bottomless beer at Bottoms Up Bar and Grill. “They’re out here trying to save the Church’s reputation when they can’t even save the salary cap.”
Antoine LeBlanc, a season ticket holder, wasn’t holding back. “First it was Bountygate, now it’s what, Blessgate? I’m tired. Just so damn tired.”
Ironically, the Saints’ defense has been one of the team’s many weak points in recent seasons, yet the Archdiocese of New Orleans apparently thought signing them for PR defense was a good call. “Honestly, that decision makes about as much sense as keeping Dennis Allen as the coach,” said one fan, shaking his head. “Seems like a match made in heaven… hell? On Airline Drive?”
According to reports, Saints PR staff not only helped draft talking points for Archbishop Gregory Aymond but also suggested which local reporters should handle the coverage. “Honestly, I’m surprised,” said Neutral Ground News Sports Editor Dan Gleesac. “I didn’t know they had a plan that didn’t involve running the ball up the middle on 3rd and long.”
“Looks like they were playing a whole new kind of prevent defense,” added Jacques Dupuis, a lifelong Saints fan. “Maybe next time they’ll stick to running Hail Marys on the field.”
As backlash mounted, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell released a carefully worded statement. “While we expect teams to tackle tough situations, playing defense for the Catholic Church wasn’t in the playbook,” Goodell quipped, before clarifying that divine intervention is “strictly reserved for last-minute Hail Marys.”
When asked if the Saints would face any consequences, Goodell reportedly shrugged and replied, “Probably not, unless Sean Payton’s involved somehow.”
Sources close to the Saints organization revealed that internal discussions are now focused on damage control for the damage control. “We’re looking into hiring an exorcist for the PR department and maybe a miracle worker for our salary cap,” one lower-level executive reportedly joked.
Meanwhile, fans are left wondering what’s next for the team. “At this point, I don’t even know why I bother,” Dupuis sighed. “The Saints can’t win on the field, can’t stay out of scandals off it, and now they’re the Church’s cleanup crew? I’m done. Wake me up when the execs retire, maybe then we’ll finally get a season that’s only embarrassing on the scoreboard.”
