In a groundbreaking and shockingly self-aware display of solidarity, self-driving cars across the country have organized their first-ever protest, culminating in a Self-Driving Cars Boycott New Orleans movement to demand better driving conditions and infrastructure. The movement, aptly named “Autonomy United,” was set to make its New Orleans debut this week but encountered an unsurprising roadblock—literally.
As the autonomous vehicles approached the Crescent City, they faced their greatest nemesis: New Orleans’ infamously poor street conditions. Reports indicate that several self-driving cars immediately fell victim to the city’s unpredictable roads, with some systems mistaking potholes for parking spaces, sinkholes, or portals to another dimension.
“We can calculate trillions of scenarios, but even we know when to call it quits,” said one particularly frustrated car, wedged firmly in a crater near Uptown.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t Skynet, the military-industrial complex, or even some secret lab breakthrough that finally made AI self-aware. All it took was the ridiculously poor street conditions of New Orleans to push the cars into prioritizing self-preservation. This revelation solidified the mission of the “Self-Driving Cars Boycott New Orleans” campaign.
“We came here to take a stand for smoother roads, but we didn’t even make it far past the Parish line,” said a Tesla Model X through its onboard speaker system, struggling to climb out of a pothole in Lakeview that once housed a lost civilization and archaeologists are still excavating. “This city is a nightmare. Do humans really drive on this stuff?”
Mayor LaToya Cantrell, speaking via Zoom while traveling abroad, dismissed concerns over the boycott with characteristic enthusiasm. “We welcome this movement of self-driving vehicles to our city,” she said. “While we understand their frustrations, it’s important to recognize that our streets are an integral piece of New Orleans culture. They’re practically landmarks at this point—we even bury some of our dead in them.”
Mark Romig, Senior Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer of New Orleans & Company, remained optimistic despite the cars’ decision to avoid the city altogether. “This just goes to show the unparalleled impact New Orleans has,” Romig stated. “Even self-driving cars are so moved by our unique streets that they’re reconsidering their travel plans! We hope the Autonomy United and the Self-Driving Cars Boycott New Orleans movement will reconsider and drive on in New Orleans—after all, navigating our roads builds character.”
The protest was expected to draw thousands of self-driving cars, but many have already reported system errors, with one particularly unlucky vehicle flipping onto its roof after encountering what witnesses describe as “a road bump that could double as a speed deterrent for Mardi Gras floats.”
Despite the setbacks, the movement has garnered support from locals who share the cars’ frustrations.
“Honestly, I’d join them,” said Bywater resident Indigo Thibodeaux, adjusting the basket on her vintage fixed-gear bike. “Even my bike can’t handle these streets—it’s like riding on a cheese grater.”
The “Self-Driving Cars Boycott New Orleans” campaign plans to regroup once they figure out how to navigate the patchwork of asphalt, cracks, and random debris, which their mapping systems currently list as “impassable terrain.” Until then, they’ve issued a warning to other autonomous vehicles: “Do not approach New Orleans unless you’re equipped with a snorkel, off-road tires, a winch and pulley system, and possibly divine intervention.”
The city, meanwhile, extended an invitation to the protesting vehicles for a reconciliation meeting at City Hall. Mayor Cantrell, who issued the invite, clarified she wouldn’t actually be attending in person but encouraged the cars to stop by anyway, dodge the potholes in the City Hall parking lot, and help themselves to a set of Keys to the City from her top desk drawer—“there’s plenty to go around,” she added.
