The long, agonizing struggle for the New Orleans Pelicans is mercifully over.
Team officials announced the squad was euthanized early this morning after battling several “aggressive degenerative conditions” that ultimately became unmanageable throughout this past season and raised concerns about the team’s “overall viability.”
According to a statement released by the franchise, the Pelicans had suffered for months with its condition recently worsening. Team physician Dr. Adam Flynn admitted the decision to euthanize was difficult.
“We tried everything,” Dr. Flynn said. “Despite some preseason optimism a couple of summers ago and delusions of depth, the team’s condition took a worrying downturn by midseason and never recovered. Ultimately, the condition proved untenable, so we made the humane decision to euthanize it.”
Sources close to the team confirmed that officials began noticing minor symptoms a few years ago and initially managed them with a combination of duct tape, Shinola, and front-office PowerPoints. The condition reportedly became aggressive this past October and quickly ravaged the team’s body of work. By April, treatment only delayed the inevitable.
“Watching the mental and physical breakdowns unfold was truly gut-wrenching,” Dr. Flynn said. “Game after game, you could see the condition worsening. Their minds and hearts were saying to do one thing, but their legs and coaching rotations just weren’t responding.”
Coach Willie Green, present for the Pelicans’ final moments, acknowledged how tough it was to put the team down, a decision tinged with “regret, sorrow, even thoughts of what might have been.”
“There’s no denying the pain, it was heartbreaking to see them deteriorate,” Green lamented, his voice thick with emotion. “I treasure the good memories we made together, but it was time to set them free from the suffering. They will be missed not only by the staff but also by the dozens of fans they’ve entertained for over two decades in New Orleans.”
Sources say Green is still processing the loss but has been told to remain near his phone this offseason “just in case the humane thing extends to him, too.”
Shortly after the announcement, President of Basketball Operations David Griffin was also relieved of his duties and humanely released into the wild, where he is expected to overexplain his legacy to a nearby podcast.
Sources close to ownership hinted that Gayle Benson will adopt brand new Pelicans later this summer, possibly with a fresh front office and renewed hopes that fans can pretend it’ll be different next time.
