In a groundbreaking decision that city officials are calling “revolutionary,” New Orleans announced today that it will be adopting a new problem-solving strategy modeled after Taylor Swift’s hit song “Shake It Off.”
The initiative, which officially launches this week in honor of Swift’s highly anticipated concerts highly anticipated concerts, encourages city leaders and residents alike to simply “shake off” the city’s long-standing issues, including crumbling infrastructure, corruption, and general dysfunction.
“Why waste time worrying about potholes, political scandals, and sewage leaks when you can just…not?” said one city official proudly. “We’ve spent decades trying to fix things, but we realized that all we really needed was a mindset shift. If we just stop thinking about the problems, are they even really there?”
The bold new strategy will be implemented immediately, starting with the elimination of all non-essential city meetings—defined as any meeting that doesn’t involve planning for the arrival of Taylor Swift.
Residents are being encouraged to “embrace the vibes” and ignore things like broken streetlights, clogged drainage systems, and, most importantly, the glaring corruption reports that seem to pop up every few weeks. Instead, they’ll be encouraged to dance their worries away to Taylor’s discography.
The Department of Public Works has already taken the lead, renaming potholes across the city as “Memory Holes”, a nod to the idea that the problem will be forgotten if everyone just drives around them long enough.
Meanwhile, the Sewerage and Water Board will be rolling out a new campaign called “Let It Flow,” encouraging residents to just “go with the flow” when water boil adviaories are issued or streets flood.
“We’re done focusing on all this negativity. If we learned anything from Taylor, it’s that the haters are gonna hate, but we can just ‘shake, shake, shake,’” said a spokesperson for the mayor’s office, casually sidestepping questions about missing public funds. “In fact, every time someone tries to raise a complaint, we’re going to hand them a pair of glittery sunglasses and a playlist of Taylor’s greatest hits to help them get in the right headspace.”
When asked how this new strategy might impact actual progress in the city, officials shrugged and played “Blank Space” over the loudspeaker.
City planners unveil an artist’s rendering of New Orleans’ newest civic project: the Taylor Swift Mural and Sparkle Fountain. Officials assure residents that while potholes remain, at least they’ll now have something beautiful to look at while dodging them.
While critics are quick to point out that this approach feels a lot like ignoring the city’s problems, many New Orleanians have reportedly already embraced it.
“Honestly, with everything that’s going wrong, it’s kind of a relief to just not care anymore,” said one Uptown resident. “Plus, Taylor Swift’s coming to town, so who has time for traffic lights that work?”
At press time, it was leaked that the city’s budget committee is considering reallocating funds from road repairs to a massive Taylor Swift mural on the side of City Hall, complete with an interactive “Bad Blood” fountain that sprays glitter-infused water. Officials assure residents this is “an investment in civic pride” and not at all an attempt to distract from the infrastructure crisis.
