In a move that seems almost inevitable to long-suffering fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced today a city-wide Hamstring Donation Drive, calling upon loyal fans to “give a piece of themselves” to keep the team in one piece. This emergency appeal comes after the Pelicans’ roster reached a historically record-breaking number of injuries along with strained, torn, and just plain absent hamstrings—stretching the patience of fans thin.
In a heartfelt press conference, the Pelicans’ Head of Player Resilience, Dr. Les Payne, urged fans to help in any way they can: “Right now, our team is in desperate need of support, and by that, I mean literal support. We are accepting hamstrings of any size, stretch capacity, and pliability. Whether you’re a marathon runner, a jazzercise enthusiast, or a second-line dancer, your hamstring donation could mean the difference between a W and an L this season.”
The campaign, named “Ham It Up for the Home Team,” allows New Orleanians to visit pop-up Hamstring Donation Drive tents set up outside the Smoothie King Center, with prizes available for the most generous tendons. Participants will receive exclusive perks like a “Pelicans Hamstring Hero” t-shirt, a personalized thank-you card from the Pelicans’ medical staff, and free heating pads signed by Zion Williamson.
Other prizes include VIP Ice Pack Access, a spot on the official Pelicans’ “Injury Reserve Couch” for home games, and a one-of-a-kind, team-signed walking boot. For those truly “feeling the pain” with the team, lucky donors might even win a personalized crutch engraving or even a spot on the Injured Reserve List, with their name officially listed as “out” on the team roster—just like the pros!
“Everyone’s talking about doing whatever it takes to win. Well, here it is, folks,” said Coach Willie Green, as he stretched demonstratively. “We’re running on a skeletal crew here, and we’re hoping New Orleans can dig deep to keep us running.”
With the Saints reportedly also exploring a similar Hamstring Donation Drive for their lineup, some worry the city’s residents may be stretched too thin, but Dr. Payne was undeterred. “Louisiana is a state of resilience, and we believe that New Orleanians won’t hesitate to put their legs on the line—literally. After all, it’s just a little hamstring; you don’t even really need it if you walk slow enough.”
