NPNewspaperPublication

Neutral Ground News unleashes the game “Because shouting at the TV doesn’t stop them!”

NEW ORLEANS – Just in time for what experts predict will be a ‘supercharged September‘, NGNtertainment (a division of Neutral Ground News a.k.a. Brian in our attic) has unleashed Gulf Coast Guardian a game where you take on the role of the Gulf Coast’s ultimate defender—armed with none other than a high-powered mega fan.

Gulf Coast Guardian puts players in the driver’s seat of a supercharged fan, blowing away hurricanes before they get a chance to wreak havoc on the Crescent City and neighboring cities. As they say, nothing fights off a Category 5 quite like a fan turned up to 11.

“We figured if we can’t stop hurricanes in real life, at least we can blow them right off the radar in the game,” said Brian, game developer and self-appointed king of the attic.

NGNtertainment’s latest project is part of a growing lineup of New Orleans-inspired games. Upcoming releases include “Who’s Got the Baby?” — a chaotic king cake chase where you try to avoid getting stuck with the baby — and Neutral Ground Madness, a fast-paced scramble to claim your parade spot without getting wiped out by a rogue ladder.

How to Play Gulf Coast Guardian

• Objective: Protect the Gulf Coast by using your fan to blow away incoming hurricanes.
• Controls: Move the fan with your mouse (or your finger on mobile) to direct the gusts of wind.
• Repel Hurricanes: Keep the hurricanes away from the coast by hovering near them and pushing them back with the fan’s wind. The bigger they are the harder they are to move away!
• Survive: The longer you hold off the storms, the higher your score. Watch out—more hurricanes will keep coming!

Good luck, Gulf Coast Guardian!

If you’ve ever wished you could blow a hurricane out of the Gulf with a giant fan or tell them to get lost, now’s your chance. Play Gulf Coast Guardian today at neutralgroundnews.com/gulf-coast-guardian.

About Neutral Ground News
Neutral Ground News is New Orleans’ top source for satirical, off-the-wall stories, and now—games! We capture the spirit, humor, and expletives of the city like no one else. Find all the fun at neutralgroundnews.com.

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In what could have been a landmark event, extraterrestrials landed in St. Bernard earlier this week, only to leave without fanfare after blending in so effortlessly with the locals that no one gave them a second look. The aliens, with their distinctive grey skin and large, black eyes, wandered through the streets of St. Bernard Parish for hours, completely ignored by everyone they encountered.

“I thought it was just Frank from Poydras, dressing up for a joke again,” shrugged local Jerry “T-Boy” LeBlanc. “I’ve seen stranger things around here, especially after a few drinks, so honestly, nothing surprises me anymore.”

Eyewitnesses, if you can call them that, reported that the extraterrestrials tried to make contact several times, hovering around the local daiquiri shops and trying to understand why no one found their presence odd. But locals simply waved and moved along, figuring the beings were either out-of-town visitors or someone who had started tying one on before noon.

“We thought they were just drunks with some fishing gear trying to be funny,” said Bernadette Rodriguez, 33, who happened to be walking her dog during the supposed “first contact.” “I mean, I waved back, so I guess that counts as diplomacy, right?”

Even more bizarre, their hovering spacecraft parked at the corner of Judge Perez and Paris Road, drawing as much attention as an abandoned shopping cart. One man reportedly mistook the hovering ship for a food truck.

“I ain’t gonna lie, I thought they were selling tacos,” said Ricky Hebert, a resident who happened to pass by. “I walked up to see what they had, but there was no menu. I figured they just ran out.”

After several hours of wandering the streets, receiving no reaction other than casual indifference, the extraterrestrials reportedly returned to their ship, baffled by their complete failure to make ‘first contact’ and perhaps more confused by the people of St. Bernard than the locals were by them. Their parting message—beamed telepathically to a panhandler on Judge Perez who wrote it on his cardboard — read simply, “We came, we saw, we were ignored. But give this guy lots of money for our trouble.” Experts believe the panhandler hastily added the last part of the statement in an attempt to cash in on the moment.

The extraterrestrials landed in St. Bernard and left with no probing, no abductions, or offer to join their interstellar federation—just a story to tell back home about a planet where they managed to go entirely unnoticed.

For the people of St. Bernard, it was just another Tuesday.

Halloween enthusiasts no longer have to drive through Marrero or New Orleans East to get their fix of frights — the living nightmare that is New Orleans City Hall has officially achieved recognition as the “World’s Largest House of Horrors.”

Built in 1958, the frightful building spans over 477,000 square feet of ghastly space in the CBD, including its minion locations, making it the largest in the world according to Guinness World Records.

Long rumored to suck the souls out of all who dare to enter its realm and cause sane people to go mad, the 10-story low-rise building has long been known to locals as the portal to hell.

“It definitely has a sinister feel to it. As soon as I entered, a feeling of dread immediately came over me. It was this bone-chilling feeling down my spine as though it was telling me ‘There is no God here,’ said paranormal investigator Jimmy Trent.

Trent, who braved his way into the decaying building a few months ago to investigate and validate the claim for Guinness World Records, noted that just moments after entering the lobby a “lifeless-looking” figure suddenly appeared behind a receptionist’s desk but quickly vanished as soon as he approached.

“Any time I attempted to communicate with any of the entities they disappeared into thin air. It’s like the apparitions didn’t want to be disturbed, only to do the disturbing. There is definitely a lot of negative, antagonistic energy in the structure.”

Mysterious noises, putrid smells, and unexplainable occurrences seem to be common in the building.

“I mean we have heard adults, crying, angry noises. This time particularly, I don’t know if they were even human sounds.”

Trent’s team tried to use a variety of equipment, such as digital recorders, cameras, electromagnetic field (EMF) readers, and a modified radio called a “ghost box,” to gather information during the investigation but was ultimately unsuccessful.

“Weird, it seems that nothing works in this building.”

With the title, New Orleans adds to its reputation as one of the nation’s most haunted cities. However, Guinness World Records representative Seth Hall warns having the record doesn’t reduce the danger or grim nature of the structure, only brings attention to it.

“This title is like putting up a sign that warns people there’s a downed powerline on the ground; you’ve got to be extremely careful around it,” said Hall.

“This place has more horrors packed into it than any other in the world, so people need to keep that in mind. I do not recommend visiting unless you truly prepare yourself to experience hell.”

No word yet on how the city plans to take advantage of the situation further.

Don Kiebels

Posted By: Don Kiebels