Thursday, January 23, 2025
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Extraterrestrials Land in St. Bernard, Depart Unnoticed

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In what could have been a landmark event, extraterrestrials landed in St. Bernard earlier this week, only to leave without fanfare after blending in so effortlessly with the locals that no one gave them a second look. The aliens, with their distinctive grey skin and large, black eyes, wandered through the streets of St. Bernard Parish for hours, completely ignored by everyone they encountered.

“I thought it was just Frank from Poydras, dressing up for a joke again,” shrugged local Jerry “T-Boy” LeBlanc. “I’ve seen stranger things around here, especially after a few drinks, so honestly, nothing surprises me anymore.”

Eyewitnesses, if you can call them that, reported that the extraterrestrials tried to make contact several times, hovering around the local daiquiri shops and trying to understand why no one found their presence odd. But locals simply waved and moved along, figuring the beings were either out-of-town visitors or someone who had started tying one on before noon.

“We thought they were just drunks with some fishing gear trying to be funny,” said Bernadette Rodriguez, 33, who happened to be walking her dog during the supposed “first contact.” “I mean, I waved back, so I guess that counts as diplomacy, right?”

Even more bizarre, their hovering spacecraft parked at the corner of Judge Perez and Paris Road, drawing as much attention as an abandoned shopping cart. One man reportedly mistook the hovering ship for a food truck.

“I ain’t gonna lie, I thought they were selling tacos,” said Ricky Hebert, a resident who happened to pass by. “I walked up to see what they had, but there was no menu. I figured they just ran out.”

After several hours of wandering the streets, receiving no reaction other than casual indifference, the extraterrestrials reportedly returned to their ship, baffled by their complete failure to make ‘first contact’ and perhaps more confused by the people of St. Bernard than the locals were by them. Their parting message—beamed telepathically to a panhandler on Judge Perez who wrote it on his cardboard — read simply, “We came, we saw, we were ignored. But give this guy lots of money for our trouble.” Experts believe the panhandler hastily added the last part of the statement in an attempt to cash in on the moment.

The extraterrestrials landed in St. Bernard and left with no probing, no abductions, or offer to join their interstellar federation—just a story to tell back home about a planet where they managed to go entirely unnoticed.

For the people of St. Bernard, it was just another Tuesday.





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New Orleans City Hall earns Guinness World Record title for “largest house of horrors”

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Halloween enthusiasts no longer have to drive through Marrero or New Orleans East to get their fix of frights — the living nightmare that is New Orleans City Hall has officially achieved recognition as the “World’s Largest House of Horrors.”

Built in 1958, the frightful building spans over 477,000 square feet of ghastly space in the CBD, including its minion locations, making it the largest in the world according to Guinness World Records.

Long rumored to suck the souls out of all who dare to enter its realm and cause sane people to go mad, the 10-story low-rise building has long been known to locals as the portal to hell.

“It definitely has a sinister feel to it. As soon as I entered, a feeling of dread immediately came over me. It was this bone-chilling feeling down my spine as though it was telling me ‘There is no God here,’ said paranormal investigator Jimmy Trent.

Trent, who braved his way into the decaying building a few months ago to investigate and validate the claim for Guinness World Records, noted that just moments after entering the lobby a “lifeless-looking” figure suddenly appeared behind a receptionist’s desk but quickly vanished as soon as he approached.

“Any time I attempted to communicate with any of the entities they disappeared into thin air. It’s like the apparitions didn’t want to be disturbed, only to do the disturbing. There is definitely a lot of negative, antagonistic energy in the structure.”

Mysterious noises, putrid smells, and unexplainable occurrences seem to be common in the building.

“I mean we have heard adults, crying, angry noises. This time particularly, I don’t know if they were even human sounds.”

Trent’s team tried to use a variety of equipment, such as digital recorders, cameras, electromagnetic field (EMF) readers, and a modified radio called a “ghost box,” to gather information during the investigation but was ultimately unsuccessful.

“Weird, it seems that nothing works in this building.”

With the title, New Orleans adds to its reputation as one of the nation’s most haunted cities. However, Guinness World Records representative Seth Hall warns having the record doesn’t reduce the danger or grim nature of the structure, only brings attention to it.

“This title is like putting up a sign that warns people there’s a downed powerline on the ground; you’ve got to be extremely careful around it,” said Hall.

“This place has more horrors packed into it than any other in the world, so people need to keep that in mind. I do not recommend visiting unless you truly prepare yourself to experience hell.”

No word yet on how the city plans to take advantage of the situation further.





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Saints fans totally optimistic team can turn around season

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Don Kiebels




While the New Orleans Saints may be struggling on the field and stuck running in a hamster wheel of mediocrity, some longtime fans still believe the team can rebound.

“We just need a few things to bounce our way,” said Ronnie Munch as he circled some rope around his neck and set his fantasy football lineups for the rest of the year.

“This team is loaded with so many game-changing players that can affect the outcome at any given moment that I can’t even begin to name them all.”

Eighty-seven-year-old Who Dat George Liberto, who has followed the team since 1967 and suffers from dementia, believes the key to a turnaround is having a short memory.

Said Liberto: “They have to forget about the losses and focus on the next game. They have smart players who I think will clean up the things they need to correct. I tell you what, though, that Gary Cuozzo is going to do some great things for this team. I’m excited to see what he and Fenerty can do together the more time they have to gel.”

According to a poll conducted by ESPN, 68% of all Saints fans believe the team can still make the playoffs if all the players of the other NFC South teams, the Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, were to develop season-ending staph infections.

“Sometimes you just need a little luck on your side, and if history has taught us one thing it’s that saints are some of the luckiest people you’ll ever read about,” said Munch.





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 Archaeological Discovery Unveils Lost Civilization in South America

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Try these 5 options

Whole-wheat toast with nut or seed butter, banana and cinnamon. A slice of whole-wheat toast with your choice of something like peanut, almond or sunflower seed butter topped with slices of banana and a sprinkling of cinnamon is a great pre-workout snack. It gives you simple and complex carbs, is easy to digest, increases your potassium levels (which drop when you sweat) and stabilizes your blood sugar.
Apple slices and yogurt peanut butter dip. Mix nonfat vanilla Greek yogurt with peanut or almond butter to make a dip that\\\’s perfect for apple slices. Consider adding grapes or raisins for an extra kick of energy.
Heart-healthy cereal. Pour yourself a serving of whole-grain cereal mixed with uncooked oatmeal, slivered almonds and chopped dates. Add low-fat milk or almond milk and you\\\’re good to go.
Half of a lean protein sandwich on whole-wheat bread. Make yourself a sandwich with chicken, turkey or lean roast beef on whole-wheat bread for a great mix of carbs and protein. Veggies like lettuce, tomato or spinach will add nutrients.
Smoothie. The best thing about smoothies is that they\\\’re portable and easy to customize. Blend sliced fruit, Greek yogurt and some granola or oats for a thicker consistency, and consider add-ins like protein powder, kale or peanut butter.

Global Leaders Gather to Address Climate Change

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Here are a few tips to help you find painless ways to stay fit:

Surprising Benefits of Meditation on Brain Health

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Looking to venture into fashion modeling? These tips from experienced models offer do\\\’s and don\\\’ts on how to become a successful fashion model.

The Best Hoodies Brands

Now that spring is finally here, it’s time to start transitioning your wardrobe from winter into the current season. That doesn’t necessarily mean put away all sweaters and coats, because as we know spring can be very fickle. But there are a few tricks to making those winter-looks more spring friendly.

Transitional Coats: Last week I talked about transitional coats, and these are the perfect items to add into your wardrobe right now. Lightweight, but will still keep you warm on a cool night.
Spring Sweaters: Layer with a transitional coat, or wear on its own, some of your winter sweaters are easy to wear into spring. I lived in these cashmere sweaters from Everlane all winter, and I know I’ll be pairing them with skirts and shorts for spring.
Pumps instead of Boots: I’ve traded in my boots for pumps. Keeping my feet warm isn’t a priority anymore, so it’s time to break out my favorite heels and pair back to effortless denim. These pumps have been worth the investment – I wear them the most during spring.

Oversize is (and Always Will Be) the Perfect Uniform

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Now that spring is finally here, it’s time to start transitioning your wardrobe from winter into the current season. That doesn’t necessarily mean put away all sweaters and coats, because as we know spring can be very fickle. But there are a few tricks to making those winter-looks more spring friendly.

Transitional Coats: Last week I talked about transitional coats, and these are the perfect items to add into your wardrobe right now. Lightweight, but will still keep you warm on a cool night.
Spring Sweaters: Layer with a transitional coat, or wear on its own, some of your winter sweaters are easy to wear into spring. I lived in these cashmere sweaters from Everlane all winter, and I know I’ll be pairing them with skirts and shorts for spring.
Pumps instead of Boots: I’ve traded in my boots for pumps. Keeping my feet warm isn’t a priority anymore, so it’s time to break out my favorite heels and pair back to effortless denim. These pumps have been worth the investment – I wear them the most during spring.

New Party-Ready Platform Heels

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Now that spring is finally here, it’s time to start transitioning your wardrobe from winter into the current season. That doesn’t necessarily mean put away all sweaters and coats, because as we know spring can be very fickle. But there are a few tricks to making those winter-looks more spring friendly.

Transitional Coats: Last week I talked about transitional coats, and these are the perfect items to add into your wardrobe right now. Lightweight, but will still keep you warm on a cool night.
Spring Sweaters: Layer with a transitional coat, or wear on its own, some of your winter sweaters are easy to wear into spring. I lived in these cashmere sweaters from Everlane all winter, and I know I’ll be pairing them with skirts and shorts for spring.
Pumps instead of Boots: I’ve traded in my boots for pumps. Keeping my feet warm isn’t a priority anymore, so it’s time to break out my favorite heels and pair back to effortless denim. These pumps have been worth the investment – I wear them the most during spring.

Bust Out Your 2000s Shield Shades

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The aughts were a bold time for eyewear. Stars were running around Hollywood in huge bug-eyed shades (very Paris Hilton) and clear, tinted square frames (very Eve), and I simply had to try them all. As a teen, I was completely obsessed with big, wraparound shield frames. (You could hide half of your face behind them—a shy teen’s dream!) I taped a 2006 Dior sunglasses ad starring Kate Moss, in which she wears huge black shield sunnies, onto my bedroom wall for inspiration. Britney Spears also rocked a pair of Dolce & Gabbana shades, and I’ve been on the hunt for them ever since.